This is my new slogan, maybe America should adopt it too. I honestly believe cannabis will save the world... more on that later. But now — my horn is gone. I've told many people that I'm no longer a unicorn. It was a "fatty-tumor" and they are checking it for cancer cells, but it should be just fat. The fat was blueberry sized. And not just a normal blueberry, one of those hormone induced large-ass ones. A good chunk right out of my head. I asked my nurse, Gerri if I could keep it and she declined. I did get a photo, but when I look at it in hindsight it just looks like zombie cum.
Jeffrey, a fellow driver at Domino's, yelled at me for rightfully telling him to not sweep up the cheese with his feet. I already had the broom in-hand... Jeffrey is a 55 year old white man with a witch-like ponytail, he rocks his cell phone in a pouch dangling from his neck. His main excitement is screeching out of his customer's driveway when they don't tip to his standards. We had two people call last week to complain. You can tell he's pleased because he hops around the store making sure everyone has heard the news. A lunge of joy, somehow saying, 'I succeeded. I caused you extra time and frustration. If you would have tipped me the typical $4-8 from the beginning, this whole thing could have been avoided.' But instead, he barrels out of neighborhoods leaving black skid marks as a reminder of their ingratitude towards the delivery driver profession.
Tonight I sternly and aggressively had an old man point and shake his finger at my from the safety of his mid-sized Lexis, the ones suburban moms drive. He told me I was a reckless driver, and that he has my license number, and though he won't this time, he will report me next time. To whom I don't know, but the way he pointed his index finger made me giggle, as it looked like a slightly curved pencil dick, one I've encountered before. I laughed at the man, which only made him shake his finger harder at me.
But we're all just trying to feel alive, to feel free, to get high and be loved, unicorn horns or not.